A Day in the Life of Hidan
by xHeiwa
Summary: Hidan has a diary, wait what? Rated for Hidan's colourful language.
1. Week 1

**Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own Naruto, or the Akatsuki. If I did, Ha, you don't wanna know.**

**Enjoy!**

~*~ Flashback~*~

"Hidan, you need to vent your anger in other ways rather than constantly trying to kill Kakuzu." Pein said as he rubbed his forehead as if trying to fend off a headache.

"So what the fuck do you want me to do about it?" I asked putting my scythe in my other hand.

Leader-sama handed me a small black book with a lock on it. I looked up at him. Apparently he could see my look of confusion.

"You're giving me a fucking diary? Aren't chicks like Konan supposed to use these… things?" I asked, throwing the book up in the air and swiping it with my scythe. Success. The diary was now stuck on my scythe. I pushed it towards Leader-sama, hoping he would take it back.

"Hidan, it's a journal. I would like for you to write in it at least once every day until you no longer have enough rage to want to kill every Akatsuki member there is. Understood?" He said bluntly and handed me another black journal.

'_Fuck.'_

~*~ End Flashback~*~

Day 1: Monday.  
Dear fucking diary,

What the fuck do I write in this thing? I should have just sacrificed it to Jashin-sama. If you're reading this and your name is Deidara, Zetsu, Tobi, Itachi, Kisame, Konan, Kakuzu or Sasori I'll kill you bastards. You too Pein, even though you're the retard that made me take this Jashin dammed journal to 'vent anger' because I have 'anger management issues'. Well fuck you. I suppose I can at least try to write in this every day. This is my entry for today. Want me to write more? Well you're a book so fuck you.

Day 2: Tuesday.

Dear fucking diary,

Today Leader-sama called us all down to his office bright and early to discuss our upcoming missions. Konan-chan is too pretty according to Pein to do any missions, Itachi and Kisame were already out on a mission, Deidara and the Ginger-Pinocchio didn't show up, and Zetsu threatened to eat Konan if Leader-sama made him go on another mission. After hours of arguing, Leader-sama sent me and Kaku-jii on our mission.

We're supposed to go and kill a guy named Adrian Something for calling Konan a fat-bitch. The guy shoulda known not to say shit like that about Pein's chick when she's with him. Me and Kaku-jii left around 3 after the meeting was over. Zetsu was supposed to come along and eat the body after we were done but he refused.

After a few hours of walking, and a few more hours of Kaku-jii complaining about his fat old knees or something, we found the guy. He attempted to attack me, but he was weak fucking retarded, and ended up tripping. I got him pinned and called out to Kaku-jii to hold him down while I sliced his throat but instead, he decided to rummage through the guys' pockets for a wallet. After finding it he decided to take a few more minutes to count all the fucking money. I screamed at him and told him to do it later. He just sat on his flabby old ass and continued counting the money. It didn't take me long to break the legs of the guy underneath me anyways. By the time I was finished my ritual for Jashin-sama, Kaku-jii was still on the ground cuddled up with the wallet, sleeping. I kicked him awake and we went to stay at a hot springs for the night.

  
Day 3: Wednesday.  
Dear fucking diary,

It took a long ass time to get home, but here I am. Only I'm not in my room.

After getting home late this afternoon, I went to my room and saw Tobi sleeping on the floor in front my doorframe. After kicking him awake he giggled and ran off singing something about a unicorn. I opened up my door and nearly shit. Instead of being a shrine for Jashin-sama, there was a shrine for said unicorn, who apparently was named Polly, my wall was covered in some sparkly, pink crap and there was a bottle of something light pink that smelled like cotton candy. I fucking refuse to go back in that room. It's fucking gross. I'll just sleep on the couch tonight.

Day 4: Thursday.  
Dear fucking diary,

I was woken up this morning when the blue-haired whore threw one of her shoes at me. I shot back at her that she shouldn't take out her time-of-the-month rage on someone else, which made her once again, throw something at my fucking head.

The rest of the day was fairly uneventful. Kisame and Itachi got back from their mission, Deidara and Sasori were thinking of ways for Pein to let them have some time off to get married, Kaku-jii went to the bank, Konan sat in her room all day and Leader-sama went out to get some piercing called a Prince Albert. I don't even wanna know what the fuck that is.

So I sat around and watched some T.V., polished my scythe, prayed, and attempted to restore my room to the way it originally was. Most of it's gone, but the walls are still kinda shimmery and it smells a little bit like cotton candy. I asked Leader-sama if I could kill Tobi, but he said there was something important about him. I really don't see the need of a lollipop/pumpkin thing in our organization.

Day 5: Friday.

Dear fucking diary,

Does anyone realize how difficult it is writing by moonlight in a fucking cave? No? Well I do! I'm freezing my balls off over here while Kaku-jii is so fat he's practically insulated from the cold. Leader-sama gave us a mission that I didn't even know about until this morning.

It all pretty much started when Kaku-jii woke me up at the fucking crack of dawn this morning and dragged me out of the house. Oh fucking joy.

Our mission was pretty simple this time. Kill another guy, burn down his house, and take all his valuables. The only problem this time was that we were known and wanted criminals of this Country. So we had to stay in this fucking cave rather than at a hot springs or a hotel. So here I am.

Day 6: Saturday.  
Dear fucking diary,

As soon as I woke up I realized I was moving, and whoever or whatever was carrying me smelled like band aids and piss. I realized after a few seconds it was Kaku-jii. He said something about me being too heavy of a sleeper to wake up, I didn't hear much of what he was saying because I was throwing a hissy-fit trying to get off of him. I reached around to grab my scythe and everything, but he was smart and took it away beforehand.

He eventually let me down and we eventually got home. Just in time to see Konan cooking, the ginger and his boy toy begging Leader-sama to let them get married and Itachi and Kisame playing Halo. I have no clue how the hell they play it. It's all confusing and everyone looks like space Nazis. After eating the shit that Konan called dinner, I went to my room. Once again I saw Tobi lying down on the ground. I just poked at him with my scythe this time. He only slightly moved so I stepped over him and went into my room.

After lying in my bed for a while I started to feel like someone was watching me. Eventually I just went and had a shower before going to bed.

Day 7: Sunday.  
Dear fucking diary,

After waking up I once again felt like someone was fucking watching me. A stalker perhaps?

After breakfast Leader-sama wanted to know if any of us had seen Zetsu. The first thing to obviously pop into my mind was that he was the sick bastard who I suspected of stalking me. But seriously, that's pretty fucking weird so I once again denied it.

Later on Pein took Konan out on a date, so Deidara and Sasori took up the opportunity and went to go file a marriage application. I have no clue where Weasel and Shark-Boy are but it sure as hell didn't concern me. Kaku-jii was out at the bank, again, so I decided to have a Hidan day.

I thought today would be good, but fucking Zetsu just had to show up. Since I was downstairs I just decided to let him have the bottom floor of the house and I'd have my Hidan day upstairs. It only further creeped me the fuck out when his black half called out to me and asked me to stay. I decided to ignore him and lock myself in my room for the rest of the day. What if he eats me?

**I was writing this forever, I just had no clue where to go with it, so review! And tell me what you think =D**

**Ja Ne!**


	2. Week 2 Konan's Birthday

**All the reviews + favorites + story alerts made me happy and want to continue writing this :D **

**Arigato~**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, but I'm sure you know that by now.**

Day 8, Monday.

Dear fucking diary,

Remember how I said Zetsu was creeping the fuck out of me on Sunday? Well I further proved my point of him being my stalker when I noticed about 6 or 7 pairs of my underwear are missing. So unless Leader-sama came in here with his extra key, the pervy plant is sneaking into my room and stealing my shit.

Throughout the rest of the day I noticed for once, that Konan was being a really big bitch. Seriously, what crawled up her ass and died? Maybe something's going on? Leader-sama has been giving her shit left, right and center. It's not fucking Christmas, and Valentines Day passed a few days ago. Maybe she's finally leaving!

Day 9, Tuesday.

Dear fucking diary,

I woke up this morning, well technically afternoon, to everyone singing something downstairs. There are three things I hate the most in this world.

1. People who don't appreciate Jashin-sama: None of Akatsuki appreciates Jashin-sama other than me, which is why I should sacrifice them all.

2. Parties: They just annoy the fuck out of me. Unless there just happen to be strippers at the party, then Jashin-sama doesn't mind if I take a little time off to enjoy myself.

3. Singing: Especially when Konan, Tobi, Itachi… fuck whenever anyone sings it annoys me. Konan only sings about girly shit like puberty and boys, Kisame sings about, what else, fish, Deidara sings the same shit as Konan, Itachi sings about how he cuts himself and how no one appreciates the emo bastard, Leader-sama sings about, well pain, Sasori is just like Konan and Deidara, Tobi sings about Barbies and shit, and Kaku-jii sings about money and being a millionaire.

And downstairs there just happened to be a mixture of all three of those. I pushed my way through them to see what everyone was huddled around on the table, and there was a fucking cake. It said something like. "Happy Birthday Konan" Who woulda known it was her birthday? Maybe that's why she was so pissed at me.

According to previous birthdays at Akatsuki, we need to give "birthday bumps." I prefer stabbing people with my scythe, which is precisely what I did.

Leader-sama obviously got mad at me for doing that and sent me to my room. Who the fuck does he think he is, my father? No, because I sacrificed him to Jashin-sama ages ago. Whatever, it's late; I'll just go to bed.

Day 10, Wednesday.

Dear fucking diary,

Once again, more of my underwear are missing. Well at least I don't wear tightie-whities or else I'd be a little scared about my amazing reputation. Screw it, if someone wants to take my shit, let 'em. I'll just go commando.

The rest of the day was unproductive, it was only me and Kaku-jii home, but the disgusting noises coming from upstairs begged to differ. I could hear Kisame and Itachi fucking… It grosses me out.

I basically sat around the house naked for the rest of the day, that is, until the blue haired whore saw me and tried to murder me for getting my ass on her precious couch.

Day 11, Thursday.

Dear fucking diary,

I need to go on a fucking mission! Every fucking day all I do is sit around. Kisame's birthday is coming up in a few weeks; maybe we'll all go out and do something interesting. He'll most likely just wanna go to fuckin' SeaWorld or something.

Day 12, Friday.

Dear fucking diary,

I wonder if this is actually helping my 'anger management issues.' I still wanna kill Kaku-jii, and the Weasel and Shark-boy still piss me off, I'd say that means no.

All this journal does is make me look like a fruit. At least no one can see me, I'm sure I look pretty fucking girly at the moment. Sitting around in my room, wearing one of my only pairs of underwear left, which happen to be my Mr. Bunny ones, and writing in a diary.

Later on Deidara asked me if I'd ever had a girlfriend. It pissed me off cuz he asked it so it seemed like I couldn't get a girl. As if he knows the art of babe wooing! He's screwing Puppet Butt into sawdust. He asked me because apparently everyone thinks that me and Tobi are secretly together. That's fucking wrong on so many levels.

I suppose they think so because everyone is with someone else except for me, Tobi and Kaku-jii. But Kaku-jii is almost a hundred; I'd be surprised if he could even get it up.

Day 13, Saturday.

Dear fucking diary,

I woke up sometime last night cuz I got that creepy feeling like once again, I was being watched.

Then again this morning, when I woke up there was so sunlight coming in through my curtains even though my clock said it was almost 11. Instead if sunlight, when I looked outside I saw something black, white and green. Any guesses what it was? My guess is that it was that freak Zetsu. What if he rapes me? What if he splits himself apart and tag-teams me? I puked in my mouth a little there…

Maybe I'll ask Leader-sama to keep an eye on him. That is, if he's not busy screwing the bitch into everything in sight. Those two were at it like dogs last night!

Day 14, Sunday.

Dear fucking diary,

Fuck, today I learned the hard way not to tease Kisame about his blue skin. Apparently the Weasel takes offence when his boy-toy is being made fun of because he used his damn Tsukiyomi on me. I don't even know how I survived. Apparently I was out for a good 6 hours. It felt like a week.

In the Genjutsu I was completely paralyzed whenever I tried to smack anyone of be violent in any way. That might not seem so bad, but when you have Tobi singing and prancing around you for a week without being able to beat the living shit out of him, things get a little annoying.

**Finally, xD I should prolly go to bed, I have a test tomorrow in Socials and since I've been writing this all night I haven't studied. I procrastinate a lot xD**


	3. Week 3

Day 15, Monday.

Dear fucking diary,

Today Leader-sama told us we're going on a vacation because we've made about 10,000 ryo more than we normally do. I have no bloody clue how that worked out because we never do anything around here. Maybe having Zetsu gone for the last two weeks saved us some money. He's taking us to some place called Puerto Vallarta. It's in Mexico or something. I don't fucking know how to speak Spanish! But I guess I can live seeing as we're not going to have any work for the next week. Kaku-jii obviously didn't like this idea too much.

He came downstairs as soon as he heard the words "more money" and "spend money" together in a sentence. The fucking cheap bastard kept complaining how none of us work enough and then he continued to go on about something after talking about something, then finishing up with something about something. I prolly could have paid better attention, I just didn't wanna. I need to get packing, we're leaving on Wednesday.

Day 16, Tuesday.

Dear fucking diary,

According to Leader-sama, we need to go out to a mall once we get there. None of us have, what did he call them again…? Shorts, that's it! In the village of Amegakure what do you need shorts for?

I packed up a cloak, my remaining 3 pairs of underwear, hair wax, a smaller version of my scythe (cuz apparently they don't like having 'big dangerous weapons' on planes, the pussies), bathroom stuff, sunglasses and sunscreen. I have no clue where the sunscreen or the sunglasses came from, most likely from the creepy Venus fly trap thing that seems to still be stalking me.

I couldn't find my necklace though; I ended up checking under the bed and found some things I hadn't seen in a hella long time. First off, it looked like a tornado ripped trough there. The rest of my room is just fine, but under the bed and my closet look like something's living down there. Under my bed I found an old box of condoms, I think they were from my 19th birthday. Deidara gave me and told me they were ribbed for extra traction in the mud. By the end of the night Kaku-jii ended up having to sew back on one of Deidara's arms. I also found a letter from Orochimaru when he was still in Akatsuki I guess. I'll tape it down.

_Dearest Itachi,_

_These past few months were quite amazing if I do say so myself. You're much more experienced than Sasori or Kakuzu-san. I'm forever leaving the Akatsuki today, but don't you worry, I'll be back one day. And yes, if you'd like I can bring along Manda, I know how well you two get together._

_Forever yours,_

_Orochimaru_

Well that was gross. If I ever have to read something like that again I'm gunna puke. I have no clue how that got in my room anyways. I also found my old cell phone, the one that looked like a banana. I loved that thing. I eventually ended up finding my necklace on my nightstand. It for sure wasn't there before because I picked the sunscreen and sunglasses up off the table. Fucking Zetsu…

Day 17, Wednesday.

Dear fucking diary,

I'm on the plane right now. We're all sitting relatively close to each other. Leader-sama's sitting at the window seat next to his Bitch, Deidara is sitting closest to Konan in the middle row, I'm next to him, and Pinocchio is sitting next to me, Kaku-jii and Tobi are sitting in the next row of seats next to us, and Kisame and Itachi are sitting together in front of us.

Kisame's been freaking out ever since we even got to the Airport. He thinks the plane is going to crash and we're all going to die. It's alright for him though because if we crash it'll be in water.

Hours and hours and hours of Shark-boy screaming-and-crying-every-time-we-got even-the-slightest-bit-of-turbulence later, we landed in Puerto Vallarta. It's pretty nice here, palm trees, hot chicks, it's warm. Leader-sama had already booked a hotel and everything so we all crammed into the Airport shuttle bus thing and went to the Hola. Kisame decided to go swimming right away while the rest of us ate. Seeing as none of us had swimsuits, Kisame went in his birthday suit. All of a sudden I didn't feel so hungry anymore. I decided to go to the mall that was a few blocks away to buy some board shorts for myself.

This place is so fucked up! In Japan we don't have psychopathic Mexican ladies screaming on their cell phones or crazy guys driving golf carts around in the mall. Is Japan the only sane place in the world?

I ended up getting a pair of shorts that were black with red clouds on them and I headed back to the Hola. I'm going to sleep now, it's pretty late. Fuck whatever Leader-sama said, I'm sleeping on the beach tonight.

Day 18, Thursday.

Dear fucking diary,

Seeing as Konan and Leader-sama are together in a room, Pinocchio and Deidara and together and Weasel and Shark-boy are together, Leader-sama gave Tobi the option to choose who he wants to bunk with. He's just being plain evil. Tobi chose Kaku-jii! He said something about him and Kaku-jii getting to know each other better. I couldn't tell what he was saying because I was jumping up and down and squealing like a little girl. It's a good thing only the idiot pumpkin thing and Kaku-jii saw me, or else I'd have to sacrifice my own ass for looking like such an idiot.

The rest of the day was uneventful; we all just lazed around like fat-asses on the beach.

Day 19, Friday.

Dear fucking diary,

Oh the joys of sunscreen! While I was lathered up in the SPF 75 shit yesterday, everyone else thought they were invincible or something to the suns rays. The only people not to get burned were Pinocchio, Kaku-jii and Leader-sama. Kisame now looks like a lobster rather than a shark, and Itachi's skin now matches his eyes. Fuck I love Mexico.

Day 20, Saturday.

Dear fucking diary,

Ever wondered what it'd be like if your cord attaching you and your parachute to the boat below you somehow snapped? Well, it results in you crashing into a nearby building breaking your wrist. Fun shit. It pretty much means that I can get my hand wet for the duration of this damned trip. Thank god it's over tomorrow. I guess I should get re-packing.

Day 21, Sunday.

Dear fucking diary,

We just got back to the Base. Some thing definitely seemed out of place. The plane ride home was quiet, the walk home was quiet, holy fuck we forgot Tobi in Mexico! I guess I should go tell Leader-sama…

Leader-sama then later in formed me that instead of putting Tobi on the plane with the rest of us, he stuffed him into a suitcase to safe us money on boarding passes. The guy may look like he isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but he's got a brain somewhere between all those piercings.

**Hehe… Sorry I didn't update in like FOREVER. My computer literally, exploded. Something to do with a video card… or a… I forgot.**

**Ja ne.**


	4. Week 4

**The part with the hair dye is actually true. But it didn't happen like that. My uncle wanted to dye his hair so he used hair dye that had been opened for a week that was supposed to be dark red/brown, and it ended up BRIGHT red. It was HILARIOUS. Then he freaked out and tried to use whatever he could find to wash the colour out so he used laundry detergent mixed with Vim, and it turned his hair BRIGHT pink. Then he went to go shave his head with his electric razor, but he dropped it and part of it snapped off, so when he shaved his head, there were little stripes of pink hair. It was so funny xD**

**Disclaimer: I no own Naruto or Facebook. Or any hair dye ****. Kapeche?**

Day 22, Monday.

Dear fucking diary,

I'm kinda starting to think we really did leave Tobi in Mexico. The fucking place has been dead. Itachi and Kisame left this morning on a mission, so did Leader-sama and Konan, Sasori and Deidara are still sleeping, I have no clue where Zetsu is, and Kaku-jii is prolly off molesting his money somewhere.

Speaking of molesting, that's all I could hear going on last night! Fuck people should have some damn shame. I'm all good for the whole re-populating our world thing, but seriously. Ew.

Since Kisame's birthday is coming up, he's decided we're allllllll going to Sea-World in America. I don't wanna fucking go see a world of sea things.

Day 23, Tuesday.

Dear fucking diary,

Obviously Tobi is still here. I know because I woke up this morning with pink painted (it wasn't even a fucking half decent job!) fingernails and toenails. I didn't think it was that bad until I realized he also painted my hair with pink nail polish. Konan said that if I soak my hair in nail polish remover it'll come out, but I don't know if I should trust the psycho bitch.

At least everything else is going jolly dandy…

Day 24, Wednesday.

Dear fucking diary,

So I did EXACTALLY what Konan said and soaked my hair in nail polish remover (the shit stank so badly! I prolly lost a few thousand brain cells inhaling all that) and it worked, kinda. My hair is no longer bright pink, it's now more of a flesh coloured grandma pink… It looks gross. I'll dye my hair using whatever leftover stuff I can find kicking around the house.

Konan still has half a bottle of old hair dye, so maybe I'll use that. Leader-sama told me not to use old hair dye, but to hell with him! Anything that can get my hair some other colour than pink is welcomed by me.

Day 25, Thursday.

Dear fucking diary,

Maybe the hair dye wasn't such a smart idea… Instead of it being dark blue, it ended up a mix in-between purple and throw up colour, so I tried to scrub it out with toilet bowl cleaner (the first thing I could find in my panic) and it turned my fucking hair into a bright purple colour. I wonder if I should just leave it like this… It does match my eyes!

Somehow, l also ended up losing my scythe. Jashin-sama is going to be so pissed off at me for that! The Kaku-jii most likely stole it, the fucker! I'm going to go check his E-Bay account…

Day 26, Friday.

Dear fucking diary,

It's the beginning of March, and somehow there's a blizzard outside. The weather here makes little to no sense. All day has been so uneventful… since it's a complete white out Kaku-jii told us not go outside because he doesn't want to waste his fucking money on us if we end up getting hypothermia.

On the plus side, Leader-sama is finally getting us all laptops and an internet router. Itachi said it would help us plan missions and keep in touch with whichever members are out on missions.

Day 27, Saturday.

Dear fucking diary,

Finally! A mission! It's been what, two weeks? Three? Leader-sama still hasn't told me what I have to do, but he did say that I don't have to work with the old freak Kaku-jii. Oh well, it should be easy, nothing's impossible for me, the great Hidan! Except of course, being greater than Jashin-sama. I just hope I don't have to work with the retarded pumpkin thing.

Day 28, Sunday.

Dear fucking diary,

So far the mission's going great, just perfect. The day started off with Tobi jumping on me like I was a fucking trampoline or something and saying I needed to get going for the mission. After I finished beating the living shit out of him I went to have a shower. About half way through the shower I heard a weird buzzing noise, and Tobi was in the bathroom with me. Don't even fucking ask, I don't know how. And after being outside for 15 damn minutes, Tobi started complaining that he had to go pee.

The rest of the day consisted of me beating the living shit out of him, eating Dango non-stop, and walking to Kirigakure. Hopefully something interesting will come out of this mission.


End file.
